18 candles....

Im torn, i just feel like what ever i do, im the worst at it, i just feel like shutting out the world, just hiding under my duvet, i cant sleep i cant eat, i feel so beat up and down, and i just need someone, someone who actually cares, i dont really have parents and i dont really have friends ...im alone.

its my 18th and i should be happy but all i feel is stupid for wearing this tight skirt and this ridiculous makeup, i just dont know what is up with me anymore i just want to die, that would be the best birthday ever, if i just dissappear no one will miss me, or need me, or want me, or love me.My heart aches but i'll get through this day knowing im going to be under my duvet by 2:50, i just dont wanna live, its as simple as that.My depresson seems like the kind that sticks with you.I have lost so much weight, because of my depression, i have lost my heart and i cant love anyone or anything, my mother has ruined me, torn me up and messed me up.Broken down every opportunity that i had. i just dont wanna live if life means i'll remmeber everything she has done to me.im just the odd one out of everything, life, school, family and society, its just that im not meant to be here .

I cant breath, i feel so sfraid of people staring at me, looking at me, judging me. thinking im hideous , they cant be looking at me because im pretty because i dont see that, im average but not amazing .I just want to be invisable i dont want men to look at me, i just want to be alone.everyday , i have to pretend that im happy, smile fake it, but all i want to do is cry, im such a fucking mess.and no one sees it, they say 'you look tired' im not , im fucking miserable. and i know its really messed up but its what im wearing , everything looks so dandy on me, i just feel like i just dont want to be on this world , i dont know what else to do , i'll walk home, and im just waiting for one fuck to stare and cuss me, im just an easy target , i hate it !