unexpected life turnout

So its November 9th 2015, I haven't written in this blog for what seems like 2 years, and actually can't believe it . Reading back is pure nostalgia, not the kind that generates good memories, but sad ones . I thought I had it all figured, I was a girl blissfully in denial of what life entailed, picturing scenes of me sitting in an apartment of my own with a cat and most ridiculous of them all I thought I'd end up in Vancouver, graduate and the rest would be a reoccurring day. Oh how things have changed. first and foremost I am not incredibly shy or insecure anymore. I learnt that no one really gives a damn about you but you, and to respect yourself is to love yourself. I can say that I don't have a currently problem with self esteem anymore because life has become...well, busy. Taking a break from university has been the hardest things for me, when your dreams were set so high at young age, only to watch it crumple at the hands of your family is excruitiating, it cripples you. My worst fears came to light. Dreams could fall apart. I am not were I'd envisioned myself, and I certainly do not feel safe. family still haunts my every move, but I know I can be fine. I know that some day I will be able to breath, because every so often life feels like I am in fact holding breath. I know that little things like drinking tea under a duvet watching vampire diaries and laughing at the text message from friends who care, will be a reality. To be brave enough to hold on to that, to take a chance in the blue yonder, is the biggest trial I'm facing. Emptiness. what is it? for me its to have that gaping hole in my heart were a family should be, except I don't own one . It isn't hard to deal with it has before, some nights I do toss and turn, and I tell myself that things will work out, to just focus on university and paying my bills, but the pain comes back in force, and the tear stain my pillow, and sleep comes. I work hard now, from 8 to 9, long hours of feeling lost, and alone. I hate it but it pays the bills. I hope to god that isn't what my life becomes. If I am going to update the status of my recent male interests there is one, a Spanish guy that has long hair and a beard, basically my type all the way, he used to stare all the time last year but never did anything, aha of course, I always wonder why .If I could set a realistic daydream for myself, it would be me in my own apartment, sipping on hazel nut hot coco, watching made in Chelsea and by apartment was warm while outside was a rainy riot, I cuddle up to my duvet and had no worries no problems . Enjoying my day off. I've completed my work and my wardrobe is amazing.