unexpected life turnout

So its November 9th 2015, I haven't written in this blog for what seems like 2 years, and actually can't believe it . Reading back is pure nostalgia, not the kind that generates good memories, but sad ones . I thought I had it all figured, I was a girl blissfully in denial of what life entailed, picturing scenes of me sitting in an apartment of my own with a cat and most ridiculous of them all I thought I'd end up in Vancouver, graduate and the rest would be a reoccurring day. Oh how things have changed. first and foremost I am not incredibly shy or insecure anymore. I learnt that no one really gives a damn about you but you, and to respect yourself is to love yourself. I can say that I don't have a currently problem with self esteem anymore because life has become...well, busy. Taking a break from university has been the hardest things for me, when your dreams were set so high at young age, only to watch it crumple at the hands of your family is excruitiating, it cripples you. My worst fears came to light. Dreams could fall apart. I am not were I'd envisioned myself, and I certainly do not feel safe. family still haunts my every move, but I know I can be fine. I know that some day I will be able to breath, because every so often life feels like I am in fact holding breath. I know that little things like drinking tea under a duvet watching vampire diaries and laughing at the text message from friends who care, will be a reality. To be brave enough to hold on to that, to take a chance in the blue yonder, is the biggest trial I'm facing. Emptiness. what is it? for me its to have that gaping hole in my heart were a family should be, except I don't own one . It isn't hard to deal with it has before, some nights I do toss and turn, and I tell myself that things will work out, to just focus on university and paying my bills, but the pain comes back in force, and the tear stain my pillow, and sleep comes. I work hard now, from 8 to 9, long hours of feeling lost, and alone. I hate it but it pays the bills. I hope to god that isn't what my life becomes. If I am going to update the status of my recent male interests there is one, a Spanish guy that has long hair and a beard, basically my type all the way, he used to stare all the time last year but never did anything, aha of course, I always wonder why .If I could set a realistic daydream for myself, it would be me in my own apartment, sipping on hazel nut hot coco, watching made in Chelsea and by apartment was warm while outside was a rainy riot, I cuddle up to my duvet and had no worries no problems . Enjoying my day off. I've completed my work and my wardrobe is amazing.

18 candles....

Im torn, i just feel like what ever i do, im the worst at it, i just feel like shutting out the world, just hiding under my duvet, i cant sleep i cant eat, i feel so beat up and down, and i just need someone, someone who actually cares, i dont really have parents and i dont really have friends ...im alone.

its my 18th and i should be happy but all i feel is stupid for wearing this tight skirt and this ridiculous makeup, i just dont know what is up with me anymore i just want to die, that would be the best birthday ever, if i just dissappear no one will miss me, or need me, or want me, or love me.My heart aches but i'll get through this day knowing im going to be under my duvet by 2:50, i just dont wanna live, its as simple as that.My depresson seems like the kind that sticks with you.I have lost so much weight, because of my depression, i have lost my heart and i cant love anyone or anything, my mother has ruined me, torn me up and messed me up.Broken down every opportunity that i had. i just dont wanna live if life means i'll remmeber everything she has done to me.im just the odd one out of everything, life, school, family and society, its just that im not meant to be here .

I cant breath, i feel so sfraid of people staring at me, looking at me, judging me. thinking im hideous , they cant be looking at me because im pretty because i dont see that, im average but not amazing .I just want to be invisable i dont want men to look at me, i just want to be alone.everyday , i have to pretend that im happy, smile fake it, but all i want to do is cry, im such a fucking mess.and no one sees it, they say 'you look tired' im not , im fucking miserable. and i know its really messed up but its what im wearing , everything looks so dandy on me, i just feel like i just dont want to be on this world , i dont know what else to do , i'll walk home, and im just waiting for one fuck to stare and cuss me, im just an easy target , i hate it !

Song for no one

You were here
in the midst of all fears
looking past, all my clumsy tears
I was shy, i never thought i was good enough
always thought i was fat and ugly, but really i wasnt , life just got hard , and i found myself depending on myself, which was hard, having your mother push you to your last limits can break you , watching someone else's life hurts too.
all my friends have it easy , but i dont , i feel as though im watching things from the side curb , it hurts me, and she has the nerve to say that im the crazy one , but im not, i have just had to put up with your lies and your bullshit, i just wish sometimes i could be the girl that dances in my mind, but it will probably be a long time till i am .
i hate her, because of all of the things she has done to me, i hate her for never listening to me when i needed her, i was always there, but she never was .

My Safe Haven

I never wanted to be this insecure, most times I just want to be the best i can , love,live and laugh as much as i could, but i feel as though i only hate myself because of my mother,Im going to try and not hate myself like i said i would. Im goign to hopefully get into roehampton and make new friends , buy a new wardrobe and be the fashionista i have always wanted.Finish uni, move out get a job at a clinic and live with my cat , apartment will be bohoemian and pretty and i'll have an exercising thing there, i will live like i have always wanted, then when i get enough courage i will move to vancouver and buy an aprtment that looks like new england, find a man  and have children , live.Thats my safe haven, knowing that someday, i wont have to endure my mother.